I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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