how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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