You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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