i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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