Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
