He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
This toilet bowl is my home.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
