I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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