His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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