i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
