Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
