I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
