Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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