i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
