my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
