I puked a lego.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
