Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
