someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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