My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize