In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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