So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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