Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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