Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
