Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
