last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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