So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
