Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
