I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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