So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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