i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
