just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
