her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
