Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
