On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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