Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
