she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We're too hungover to prance.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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