I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
