Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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