If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
