I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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