I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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