I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
