just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
