I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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