1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
