Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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