and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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