the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
