I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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