I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My dick has a subreddit
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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