I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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