turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
