I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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