I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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