dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
