sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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