I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
