I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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