OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize