I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
