just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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