first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
