from now on my penis is your penis
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
