Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is Oprah even human
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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