benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Can you bring me the toilet please
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Randomize
