Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Is Oprah even human
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Randomize
