I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
As shirtless as possible
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
