I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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