I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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